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Blog Entry 20 of 23 The Incredible Shrinking Woman

DIET is a four letter word. My weight issues began in elementary school, when I started stealing and hiding food to comfort myself. In my early 20's, I really began packing on the pounds when I had 3 children within 8 years. I tried several diets, which WORKED, if only I would STICK with them. I used every excuse in the book: Life happens, I deserved it, I'm stressed, my fatness was everyone else's problem, people should accept me for WHO I was, not for what I looked like, who cares anyway? I lost weight for the wrong reasons, and the bad taste in my mouth stayed with me like a burnt entree. At my heaviest in December 2000, I weighed 237 lbs., morbidly obese for my 5'1" frame. A month later, I started a diet and joined a gym and got down to 159 by September. After a family crisis occurred and lasted 4 years, my turning to food for comfort took its toll. Still I searched...magazines, books, supplements, but never found the missing link until Nov. '06, when I looked at my recovery from an emotional, spiritual, physical and mental standpoint. Finding an exercise regimen I could live with for the rest of my life was crucial as well. Won't you join me on my journey as I whittle myself down to my goal of 123 lbs. by March 2008?

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Contributed by: Stephanie Johnson on 2/19/2008

A lot of good it did to win the Sweetheart Contest last week. Based on the efforts I've put into eating healthy, I apparently don't give a rip.

Still.

I was hoping my entry would give me a boost to get back on track -- just like "helping" my daughter would, having two friends start their own diets, writing an inspiring poem and having a friend pick me up for Curves every morning at 6 a.m. -- all would help.

Nope.

I still canceled my Weight Watchers monthly pass -- no sense in paying all that money if I'm not going to put forth any effort to eat right or even attend the meetings. I can't afford it now anyway! So why am I bothering even to exercise?

I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm unmotivated. I don't care anymore.

And yet ...

I don't want to go back to being 237 pounds again. I like being a size 14 instead of a 26. So what am I waiting for? The decline really started when I resigned to write and do my art full time back in November. So is that the answer? That I really need to work a full-time "real" job so that I don't sit at home and graze all day? Or keep falling into this dark pit of despair?

I have no ambition or determination. I feel sorry for myself, yet I don't want to help myself. Maybe a stint on Oprah or Dr. Phil will get me back to my "first love" of wanting to care for myself ... maybe a job ... maybe a swift kick in the pants ... maybe someone shaking my shoulders, slapping my face and screaming, "Snap out of it!" at me. Maybe another big goal, like my wedding day in July, will be good motivation -- like training to run a marathon this summer?

Ha! What a joke!

So much for reaching 123 by March. Of NEXT year, maybe!

There's a woman at Curves who weighs all of 117 pounds now, and for some reason, she hates me (I know the reason, but it's absurd, really!). I'm sure she's laughing her head off at my "disgraceful gain." But how can I compare to someone who maybe weighed 125 at her heaviest to begin with? She's doing a lot of colon cleanses -- is that what I need to do? Maybe the motivation to "prove" to her that I can reach goal weight is enough? Maybe not, because I was hoping to prove it to my mother and sisters that I could do it.

Maybe I'll live up to my mother's expectations and just give up completely and gain all the weight back. I'm sure that would make her happy to be proven right again, that "I'll never lose it."

So why should I disappoint her?

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Showing 1-3 of 3 comments

Submitted By: Earl Chang

posted on 3/2/2008 @ 6:06:07 PM

Rated Blog Entry

Stephanie! Adam pretty much said everything I would say (bright guy!), especially about being a beautiful person. I'd just like to add don't worry about what others think, i.e. the woman at Curves. Also, so you got off track....happens to me all the time! Revisit your goals and adjust them, even if it's means making them more manageable, or not as high as before. As always, give me a call if you want to walk or jog! :)

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Submitted By: Stephanie Johnson

posted on 2/25/2008 @ 3:28:17 PM

(Not Rated)

Thanks for the pep talk, Adam. I really appreciate it!

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Submitted By: Adam Lujan

posted on 2/20/2008 @ 7:05:50 PM

Rated Blog Entry

I admire your honesty sooo much. It takes a lot for someone to be so open about their weight and their diets. Losing weight, as I've heard from countless shows and advice columns, is like trying to kick an addiction. You'll have your relapses. But don't give up!! I believe in you!! =] I'm sure you WILL reach your goal. In fact, I KNOW it. You should just be proud of yourself for coming this far. And with coming this far, you shouldn't give up. Also... Who could hate you? You're amazing! =D P.S. You Are Not Ugly! Every woman, big or small, is just as beautiful as the next supermodel. It's just another stereotype. People say fat equals ugly. They are wrong. To me, "fat" equals a person. Whether it's a little bit of fat or a lot. A person is a person. And every person is beautiful. =]

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