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Blog Entry 1 of 23 The Incredible Shrinking Woman

DIET is a four letter word. My weight issues began in elementary school, when I started stealing and hiding food to comfort myself. In my early 20's, I really began packing on the pounds when I had 3 children within 8 years. I tried several diets, which WORKED, if only I would STICK with them. I used every excuse in the book: Life happens, I deserved it, I'm stressed, my fatness was everyone else's problem, people should accept me for WHO I was, not for what I looked like, who cares anyway? I lost weight for the wrong reasons, and the bad taste in my mouth stayed with me like a burnt entree. At my heaviest in December 2000, I weighed 237 lbs., morbidly obese for my 5'1" frame. A month later, I started a diet and joined a gym and got down to 159 by September. After a family crisis occurred and lasted 4 years, my turning to food for comfort took its toll. Still I searched...magazines, books, supplements, but never found the missing link until Nov. '06, when I looked at my recovery from an emotional, spiritual, physical and mental standpoint. Finding an exercise regimen I could live with for the rest of my life was crucial as well. Won't you join me on my journey as I whittle myself down to my goal of 123 lbs. by March 2008?

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The Incredible Shrinking Woman

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Contributed by: Stephanie Johnson on 9/14/2007

I grew up as a middle child of five in middle-class Clinton, Md. in the late '60s. From a very young age, I didn't feel "wanted." I was an outcast in school, probably due to my shyness. I excelled in academics, but was not outgoing as a student, nor did I feel wanted at home. My dad worked long hours, and even though my mom was mostly a stay-at-home mom, she was too busy cleaning the house and being a housewife to spend time with her kids. We were expected to entertain ourselves, so eventually I turned to isolating behaviors, such as reading, drawing, and taking long walks by myself.

My mom christened me "Chunky Wunky" during these days, not a term of endearment that is conducive to high self esteem. I didn't have many friends, but thankfully, I wasn't outright teased for my chubbiness. Always being chosen last for sports, though, was a big enough hint. It was around 5th or 6th grade that I remember stealing food and hiding it in my room. I even stole my dad's "special" fudge cookies, something that was off limits to us kids! I weighed 96 lbs. when I "graduated" from 6th grade.

In junior high school, my chubbiness (and bad eating habits) stuck with me. Granted, many girls gain weight during their pre-pubescent years, but mine didn't seem to want to leave once I hit puberty. My gym participation was minimal--I only did what I had to do to get a passing grade. I hated my uniform too--it really showed off my fatness. I was so ashamed of my waist size that I would even black out the measurements on my Levi's jeans tags (how many of you can relate?). Who on earth thought of advertising that kind of information anyway?

In senior high, I continued to be a closet eater. I was working part time at the age of 15, so I used my own money to start buying junk food and fast food so that no one would know how much I was eating. McDonald's was a popular hangout back then, but when I was with friends, I would limit myself to french fries and Sprites, yet eat a full meal when I got home. My skinny sisters would swap clothes with my mother, but I couldn't. Looking back, I really wasn't that much bigger, but back then, weight was a big issue. I tried out for Pom Pons, but who wanted a fat Pom Pon girl on their squad? I didn't make the cut--how humiliating! I should never even have tried out!

Miraculously, due to teenage stress and other issues I was dealing with in 12th grade, I mysteriously dropped to 126, the lightest I had ever been in high school. Still, it seemed I wasn't "skinny" enough. I wasn't trying to lose weight, I think it was because I was too busy planning my future after graduation that I "forgot" to eat. Is that even possible? Or maybe it was because I had fallen in love and spent every spare moment being with him instead of planning my next binge.

Being an expert on life at the wise old age of 18, I "ran away" after graduation and struck out on my own to conquer the world. Working at Dairy Queen during those 18 months didn't help my weight problem, and I quickly ballooned to 155. My first attempt at "official" dieting was HerbalLife. I lost 10 lbs. in 2 months, but on my salary, the cost was prohibitive so I didn't stick with it.

Within a year, I realized that sure, I was doing what I wanted and dating the man I loved, but my dream to go to college would not happen unless I could move back home, save money on rent, and sign up for classes. I finally swallowed my pride and asked my parents if I could "come home." They agreed with the understanding that I was not to see "that boy" anymore, so I officially broke up with him. Unfortunately, during my "last fling" with him, I became pregnant. I gained 47 lbs. and hit 198 lbs. during that pregnancy--I used every excuse I could to eat whenever and whatever I wanted. I was disgusted and ashamed of how fat I had become.

I made a lot of mistakes over the next 12 years that I won't go into (I'll save it for another story), but through all of it, my eating habits were atrocious. My self-esteem plummeted and put me in a vicious cycle of self-hatred and bingeing. I had two more children with this man, and my self-esteem was so low that I felt like no one else would ever love me except him, so that's why I continuously went back to him.

When I became pregnant with my daughter, the doctors discovered I was gestational diabetic so I was put on a strict diet. It wasn't like I "officially" dieted, because I sure didn't want to--I did it for the health of my baby. But I only gained 3 lbs. with her, so that was encouraging. However, I was almost 200 lbs. when I started, so it wasn't anything to brag about.

Disowned by my family for the second time and tired of being used by the kids' father, I tried to break away from my him and got involved in a new relationship. This new man demanded I lose weight (I was 206 lbs. when we met), so my second official diet was NutriSystem. He paid for the lifetime registration ($350) and the weekly prepackaged food ($75-$100/week), but I bought the fresh produce (another $50 or so per week). My exercise regimen consisted of power walking 2 miles a day, 5 days a week. I went down to 139 in 9 months and was a size 8, but that wasn't good enough--he wanted me to get liposuction.

Needless to say, that relationship didn't last long. I couldn't afford the prepackaged meals myself, so I went back to my old eating habits. I quickly gained the weight back. I didn't know any healthy ways of dealing with single motherhood and other stresses in life other than turning to food. My mother was constantly nagging me to lose weight, but I rebelled and gorged instead. It was none of her business anyway! Especially since I was on my own!

With my last son, my mom was actually in the hospital when I gave birth (my parents disowned me after my first 2 kids and didn't speak to me for months afterward). I gained 15 lbs. during the last pregnancy thanks to the strict diet again.It wasweird, I could eat right for the baby growing inside of me, but I felt I wasn't worthy enough to eat healthy for myself. And I SURE wasn't going to lose it for anyone else! So, I stayed fat.

When my youngest was 4 months old, reality hit me and I realized that I was sick and tired of being used and lied to. So, I decided to move across the country to end the affair and start my life over. When I packed up my house two months later and headed west, I weighed 230 lbs. I actually had the "real" weight on my driver's license (how many of us women can say that?)! Colorado Springs was a new beginning. But not with how I ate.

Over the next decade, I struggled with my eating habits. I was raising 3 kids on my own with no child support, and regardless of how tight finances were, I still spent money on food. I even hid it from my kids, but I didn't see my sickness as a disease. It was as bad as a 2-pack-a-day cigarette habit, but I told myself I "couldn't afford" to smoke. Nor could I "afford" to be an alcoholic. But how could I afford all the "extra" food I was buying? It didn't make sense but I didn't see the insanity back then.

Child custody had become every other year starting in 2000, so my kids were in Md. with their father for the first time for an entire year (instead of just a couple of weeks over the summer). When I went out for a visit for Christmas, my sister urged me to weigh myself. I was 237 lbs.! I held back the tears until I was alone, but I knew that everyone was talking about how fat I was. Still, I refused to get help. My weight was everyone else's problem. I wasn't hurting anyone else, so it was none of their business what I ate or how I dealt with my problems. I refused to consider how uncomfortable or miserable I was. Talk about denial!

A friend of mine, "B.L.," had joined Weight Watchers some time ago and was giving me all her old fat clothes. Finally, she asked me to join with her. She had lost 75 pounds and looked FABULOUS, but I still wasn't ready to do anything about "my problem." As incentive, she offered to either pay for my $15 registration and 10 weeks of meetings (worth $110 at the time), pay my $150 registration fee to Bally's so that I could work out with her (but I had to pay the monthly fees), or give me a $50 gift certificate to Memory Makers, my favorite scrapbooking store, as a Christmas gift. I told her I wanted the gift card.

However, after returning from Maryland and finding out how fat I had gotten, I had a change of heart and decided to take her up on her offer, opting for Weight Watchers. We were delayed two weeks before I could join due to her busy schedule, but I wanted to get a head start before I lost the excitement of my decision, so I cut back on my eating and lost 11 lbs. before I joined. I was 226 the day of registration. I was disgusted that I was that fat, but glad that I was finally doing something about it. I bought a new pair of Reeboks, joined 24-Hour Fitness, and started working out five to six days a week for one to two hours at a time.

By May, I had dropped down to 183, and my parents paid for a round trip ticket to Md. so that I could see my oldest son receive his Student of the Year Award. We kept it a surprise and prearranged with the principal that I would greet my son when he accepted his award. My son didn't even recognize me! It was great seeing the look on his face. We quickly headed over to my daughter's school. They were coming in from recess, and when she saw me standing there with a huge red bow in my hands (it just so happened to be her birthday too!), she didn't blink an eye. But when she saw "Mee Maw" with a camera in her hand, things clicked and she ran to me with open arms to hug her "new mom." Then it was off to my youngest's classroom. He was in music class, and his teacher and I planned to surprise him when he entered (she was in charge of pictures). He walked right past me! What a hoot that my weight loss made that big of a difference! The kids commented on how they could reach their arms around me for a hug now! I had tears of joy in my eyes!

Okay, folks, this will have to do for tonight. Pikes Perk is closing, and I've got a big day ahead of me. But join me later for the continuing saga of my weight loss. My goal is to blog as often as I can until I get the "foundation" laid, then every so often, as I have time, after that. I will journal about everyday things, how I'm losing the weight, my feelings, circumstances, and the "new way" I handle life's stresses (it's NOT turning to food!). I will be painfully honest and vulnerable, because I hope that sharing my story will help someone who is looking for a way out of the denial, insanity, stress, and unhealthy lifestyle.

Don't give up, because YOU'RE WORTH IT!

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