Dear Coach Greg: I'm so... mad at my husband right now I could spit nails. He has been retired for only seven months and he's already driving me
CRAZY! He follows me around like a lost puppy. I can't go to the store without him tagging along questioning why I buy the laundry detergent I like rather than the cheaper brand. Then out of the blue he announces that he would like to use our savings to open a Bed and Breakfast! He wants to be the "manager" who gets to make small talk with the B & B guests while I clean the guest rooms and prepare the meals!
NO THANKS! Been there, done that! I'm afraid that this resentment that I have for him will drive a wedge during our retirement years. Is there any hope for "empty nesters" like us?
Bittersweet
Dear Bittersweet: My heart goes out to both of you. It can be very disheartening when you finally can retire and then find out that your spouse had a different dream. Did either of you share your retirement dreams out loud before now? If not, it's time that you have this vital discussion and many others that are needed for the "second half of marriage". Think about it - you went from the "child focused years" which can be stressful and often viewed more as a parenting and business partnership than a marriage - to the "adult focused years" which can be an equal partnership at the time couples have the freedom to enjoy each other the most. It's time to find your voice and end the "silent contracts" and surprise attacks, which will leave you disconnected, confused, and resentful.
Which brings me to your statement, "I'm afraid that this resentment that I have for him will drive a wedge..." Resentment can both energize you and then just as quickly drain your energy. Pent up resentment is a short walk to anger. Although, women and men tend to process and express anger very differently both genders can benefit from the same treatment. My relationship clients have had success learning and applying the A.R.E.A. Anger Model by Steve Duncan. You have already started step #1: Admitting Your/Their Anger. Step # 2 - 4 are: Restraining Your/Their Anger, Expressing Your Anger, and lastly, Action Planning. If learning this anger model and additional effective relationship techniques would enhance your marriage I'd like to invite you to consider the following resources available to you (and the general public). Best wishes on preparing for your empty nest marriage!
For additional relationship resources for couples:
1. Visit:
www.RelationshipCoach.us, then click on Upcoming Workshops -
Anger Can Be Toxic to Your Relationships... (PERS 1015F01), and
Preparing For Your Empty Nest Marriage...;
2. Read the following relationship books:
Empty Nesting... by Arp, Arp, Stanley, Markman, and Blumberg, and
You Don't Have to Take It Anymore... by Steven Stosny.
For monthly relationship preparation support and interaction with like minded couples:
3. Visit:
www.RelationshipCoach.us, then click on Services Offered -
Starting a Couples' Support Group.
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Send your relationship question for
Relationship Coaching Corner to:
gregrthiel@comcast.com or visit
www.RelationshipCoach.us.