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Blog Entry 5 of 5 Heart of the CITY............

Following the death of my wife in 2000 I made the decision to leave the suburbs and pursue a new life in an older area of the city I love. I'll try and add some observations about life IN the city and how it has allowed me a rebirth. My photo collections are displayed here as well.

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A Widower's Survival Kit CONCLUDED

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Contributed by: John A Cunningham on 1/23/2007

(This is the 5th and final installment of the journal I kept for the year following my wife's death. My prayer is that it may give some widow or widower the hope to carry on.)

12/14/00: It's ironic that I should be writing today--in the last hour we mark exactly eleven months since Carol's passing. Either years or days in my mind. This evening is bitingly cold as I returned to St. Francis for a Christmas grief workshop. It was then that the irony of the exact date him me.. .I left halfway through the meeting when I knew that many things were going OK for me.
I never watch the beauty of a sunset or the marvels of sightseeing that I don't wish Carol were here to share it. It is at those times when we would have shared a moment or place that I feel so close to her. Truly she hasn't left any of us who loved her. But I continue moving forward as long for as long a time as I'm granted. I think that's what you would have me do. It's exactly what I would have hoped for you if the situation were reversed. I would have been sorry if you'd not done.
In three weeks it will be the traditional time to pick up, discard the black clothing and move on with my life. Anyone who has grieved knows this time is arbitrary. Yet one year can do a lot and I suppose grieving families throughout the ages have seen the passage of four seasons as a good, if inexact, time to grieve.

12/28/00: Of course, today would have been our 30th anniversary. I have continued sorting through Carol's jewelry, watches and memorabilia. I've even had the courage to pitch some irrelevant items. When one saves everything, one saves nothing. Yet, when sorting, I realize I'm editing Carol's life...the image that remains of her for her son and grandchildren unborn. Editing a life is an overwhelming task.
Re-reading Carol's journal from a cancer retreat brought tears to my eyes tonight. She expressed so much hope that she'd be able to spend time with family, that she'd be able to bring about peace with her mother and watch Mark grow and prosper.

1/5/01:
Decided I'd try the Anne Murray CD tonight...just to see. When she sang "Could I Have This Dance", the tears came, as usual, probably as they always will. I also realized that in the context of Carol and me it is, indeed, a rhetorical question. She'll always have "this dance". In some ways a lonely peace seems to be settling over me. I'm not really happy but much of the impatient ambition that ruled the summer has abated. If I do a good job today, tomorrow will come soon enough.

Right now I'm reminded of the scene in Ferris Bueller, the one where he turns to the audience and says, "You're still HERE?" If so, you know that i made it through the first year.
Not through any grand scheme, not through any a "healing power" of time, not through any personal or religious epiphany. I staggered through the year like a prize fighter, wanting the bell, sucking up just enough energy from naps to try another round.
Along the way I found some interesting friends, places and diversions. They gave me small reasons to move forward, not backward. All the year, Carol's love and urgings picked me up. Ironically, the one who was not here was my greatest cheerleader.

IF THERE'S ANY GOOD NEWS, it's that I'm sitting here in this little cabin, listening to the wind howl over the roof, wondering if tomorrow will bring snow or sunshine. Thinking that I am ready to make another stop at the brass plaque that (coincidentally) bears my wife's name. I always stop and think of her when there. Maybe there's a little cafe that serves hot chocolate in steaming mugs, topped with thick sweet whipped cream. I'll walk the same streets that we did. I'll duck into the cafe for my mug of chocolate and make a plan for Spring, the way Carol would want me to. Stephanie Ericsson would say, " someday tomorrow will be a memory too".

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Submitted By: Maureen Anderson

posted on 3/5/2007 @ 3:01:57 PM

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Thank you for sharing your most intimate thoughts and feelings about your grief journey. It touched me deeply to read of your struggles in the aftermath of your dear wife's death. You display great courage and strength of character and I'm glad you have found new meaning in your life. As a writer, I have a critical eye and let me say your writing is superb. Best of luck to you. Maureen Anderson

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Submitted By: Synda Jacobson

posted on 2/18/2007 @ 1:54:07 AM

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Your story about Carol was very moving.It shows how love continues after death and the one left behind is always the one who hurts the most.Time helps you heal but memmories never go away.

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Submitted By: Doris Ralston

posted on 2/15/2007 @ 10:32:26 AM

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Six months ago my husband died unexpectedly. I have enjoyed reading your entries as I can relate to all that you've written. Thank you for sharing parts of your journey so that I too can benefit by knowing this is just the process to reconciling and that their is life after death for the surviving spouse.

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Submitted By: Terry Shattuck

posted on 2/5/2007 @ 4:35:33 PM

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John, Judging from your writings I know one thing for sure - Carol must have had a great life with a fine companion! I look forward to meeting you!

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Submitted By: paul shepard

posted on 2/1/2007 @ 1:19:27 PM

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Powerful and moving.

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Submitted By: peter bethge

posted on 2/1/2007 @ 9:53:24 AM

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Great article. Read part 1 in the paper this morning and had to read the rest on-line. Your a good writer. You expressed your thoughts and feelings well. Thanks, peter

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Showing 1-6 of 6 comments

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