You might have noted my long hiatus after some prolific blogging through March and April. The majority of my spare time is spent making a living 40 hours a week AND helping raise 12 cute, cuddly, blue-eyed Weimaraner puppies "from scratch."

I was there when they popped out.

I was there when they opened their eyes.

I was there when they took their first steps.

Usually by the time item three happens, you know all manner of chaos is about to let loose, sometimes literally. They are functioning and impressionable little doggies at that point. They absorb everything, good or bad.

There are many books and articles around us about the philosophy behind raising children. The overwhelming theme usually involves teaching people what is appropriate to expect from the human child.

Unfortunately no one is required to read anything before giving birth. They're not required to be smart, good-looking or even have any decent common sense in their heads. It is the same for having a puppy. While the female dog did all of the work getting the little whelps into the world, the human is ultimately responsible for taking care of the puppies.

Dog ownership inspires people to great and unreasonable expectations. Based on this premise, I devised a list of things people should remember when they have a new puppy.

1. Puppies are not innocent. They are manipulative and self-absorbed creatures. Everything they do is for their own preservation. These things might include looking cute, acting cute, licking, wagging and the oh-so-irresistible puppy breath.
2. No puppy can be house-trained reliable by 10 weeks of age. If you think that you'll buck the system, you're delusional. Buy some carpet shampoo, save old rags and then get over it.
3. Your puppy will at some point in its life do one or many of the following - eat animal droppings, roll in something disgusting, bark or whine at night and keep you awake, vomit on your carpet, nuzzle your friends in their privates, chew something valuable up or cost you a lot of money in vet bills. Be prepared; don't be surprised.
4. Your dog is A D-O-G. Not a P-E-R-S-O-N. Dogs don't think they're people. Dogs think we're dogs. Remember your status as the person and things will be much better for you.
5. Dogs get sick. Take them to the vet and stop complaining about how much the vet bills are. You have the dog/puppy; if you don't want to keep it healthy, find someone who will. People sometimes act like they're "shocked" when Rover or Scruffy is sick or hurt.
6. Puppies are opportunists. If you feed them from the table, let them sleep in your bed, get up at 2 a.m. every morning, they are naturally going to assume you are going to do that for the rest of their life. This is not passing judgment on those activities, however. Once you set them in motion, remember it's your fault when the dog believes she can eat off the table.
7. Don't complain about the dog being a dog. Dogs have dog odor. Give them a bath. Dogs use the yard for a toilet; clean up after them. Dogs drip water everywhere when they drink. Your new puppy will assuredly be no different from any other dog.
8. Your puppy will get old and die some day. Don't feel cheated; feel privileged because the dog can't. Don't you hope to die of really old age, leaving behind a string of distraught mourners? Accept that their clock is different from yours. Do what's best for your dog at the end of its life and not what's best for you. Furthermore, don't believe for a second prolonging an old, pathetic dog's life makes you the Florence Nightingale of the canine world. There is a point at which keeping an old dog alive in misery is despicable and cruel.
9. Your puppy has no ego and your adult dog won't have an ego either. An ego is a human trait. Dogs are all "ID" - meaning they survive on the pleasure principal and their self-awareness only extends toward the purpose of acquiring more of what makes them happy and satisfied. If being happy and satisfied involves eating baby mice, gobbling down rabbits, chasing cats, barking recreationally and digging up the yard - then that is what the dog will do. We have to impose our ego on them to make them something other than heathens. Decide how far you want to take that imposition and don't be surprised when it doesn't always work.
10. Enjoy your puppy for what it is and work to make the puppy into a creature you will always enjoy. Puppies don't program themselves . If you don't provide guidance, they'll find their own way in the world and it might not end up being what you would have preferred for them.

Undoubtedly, if you've read any of my other blog entries, you're probably thinking I've set myself up for a wide canal of hypocrisy. When you have a house full of dogs it is extremely difficult not to assign pieces of rationality and thoughtfulness to their actions. I am in a unique enough position, however, to see consequences of not following through with my own rules, which is usually when things become interesting fodder for more blogging.

It would all be much easier if they weren't so darn cute.